Q. Is this another mommy blog?
A. Maybe in a vague sense. I am in fact a “mommy” and I have one too. And you’ll learn more about her here, more than she would wish for me to divulge. You’ll also learn about a homemade backyard Slip & Slide, a Cabbage Patch Kid that may or may not have had its eye scratched out, and a pen pal who collected rubbers. Let’s see your mommy blogs offer that.
Q. I limit my online reading to just mommy blogs. Can you promise me stories that include you popping valium while cleaning feces off the wall?
A. That’s quite possible. Jude will soon be potty-training, I own three pets, and, if this relates, I was told I once ate the contents of my own diaper (which might have resulted in my mom popping valium).
Q. Why would I want to read about your dumb childhood when I have my own to deal with in therapy?
A. Yes, but did you spend your childhood traveling with a carnival? I didn’t either. But my parents took me to a few. That’s why I need therapy.
Q. Will everything you write about be true?
A. In rare cases, names will be changed. And I like the word “truthiness.”
Q. Hey, I knew you back when you were a kid. Is my name going to ever appear in here? Should I be worried? Should I have my attorney begin drafting the paperwork for a defamation of character suit?
A. No comment.
Q. I can’t get enough of 1980s nostalgia! Hey, what do you remember about that Rubik’s Cube?
A. My brother pulled the tiny blocks apart, coated them with Vaseline and put them back together in order to twist the puzzle pieces at lightning fast speed like the professionals did. But then, whose brother didn’t do that. Sorry, that’s all I’ve got.
Q. Where were you during the Watergate break-in?
A. I was born in 1975. My memories only date past my embryonic phase. Allegedly I was in a womb in Florida at that time.
Q: Are the photos on your blog really you? Did you suffer from facial twitches as a child? Did your parents not wash or groom you?
A: Good question. My parents will have to answer that one for you and me both. And to their higher power.
Q. Who is watching your two kids while you write this?
A. I’ve covered our electrical outlets and we have a Netflix subscription. I’m sure they’re fine. I better go check now to make sure.