Insert Your Face Here
Most likely you subscribed to my blog last week after reading my post on WordPress’ Freshly Pressed page. Welcome and thank you! The following post is more reflective of the inane musings you’ll typically find here. But while you’ll find little in the way of the soft-underbelly-exposing seriousness of my previous post, I do offer horribly awkward adolescent pictures that will make you weep with pity and numerous shameful tales of a pants-piddler gone bratty. I hope you’ll stick around just the same.
Your friend in flashbacks,
Holy Awkward School Photos Made Even More Awkward.
I never knew love could feel like this.
And do I ever have a special treat for you today.
Well, hold on to your Members Only jackets, folks, because here it is:
Is this the work of Olan Mills, perchance? If so, you broke the mold, my friend. That’s right. Broke it right over our heads.
It goes without saying that I owe the blogger Misty of Misty’s Laws a tremendous debt of gratitude for sending this my way. (Check out her hilarious writing here — as if this link referral can even come close to repaying my debt.)
You’ll notice that Misty has shrewdly blurred her face to prevent anyone from recognizing her.
Although, perhaps you remember a girl who wore a lacy pink dress with a fake sewn-on pearl necklace, courtesy of the K-Mart Nellie Oleson Collection? Chances are that girl was Misty.
Oh, but I digress. And I blame the fake sewn-on necklace.
Now let’s get back to the important matter at hand here — the photo backdrop.
Halley’s Comet? Get out of town! No really. My science teacher Mr. Scott said you can see comets better when you drive out of the city limits.
Who knew that ‘80s school photo backdrops could offer you anything more than soft swirling taupe? (Exhibit A:)
Or the chance to appear awkward and abandoned in a remote wooded area? (Exhibit B:)
Much, much later while in high school, we got a lot more options. There was (A.) Swirly Red, (B.) Swirly Blue, and (C.) Swirly Taupe. The answer is C, of course. C, always answer C!
And speaking of C, I give Halley’s Comet Photo Backdrop a mere “C” for effort. While it was certainly a brave attempt at pomp and circumstance, I had to detract points for its total lack of relevance.
Of course I remember being told in 1986 that Halley’s Comet was a Really Big Deal. But the problem with declaring something as a Really Big Deal in the midst of the supposed Really Big Deal is you don’t always know if the proposed Really Big Deal will actually be remembered as a Really Big Deal after the Really Big Deal is over.
Yes, I’m sure we can all remember where we were when Halley’s Comet blew through the atmosphere. Nope. Beats the heck out of me. I was probably playing Nintendo.
I have instead proposed a few other ‘80s commemorative backdrops that would’ve made for much better school photos. Just imagine the grandeur of seeing these momentous occasions off-setting your acne.
(Option A.) The 1982 Release of Michael Jackson’s Thriller Album commemorative photo.
Who doesn’t agree that the Thriller album was among the most significant musical contributions of the ’80s? Who doesn’t agree that this video was groundbreaking? Who doesn’t agree that a telescope would be really hard to photoshop out of this picture?
(Option B.) The 1980 Who Shot J.R.? Greatest TV Cliffhanger of All Time commemorative photo.
Who shot J.R.? Misty did. In the Conservatory. With a telescope.
(Option C.) The 1982 Release of Steven Spielberg’s E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial Summer Blockbuster commemorative photo.
The best part of this, Olan Mills? You get to reuse the Halley’s Comet telescope prop. Those props don’t come cheap you know.
(Option D.) The 1987 Signing of the INF Treaty commemorative photo.
Mark my words, someday you’ll be asked this date in a trivia game. Put it in a school photo and you’d remember it for a lifetime. You’d remember it because it was the same year you wore that dress with the fake sewn-on necklace.
And, unlike Halley’s Comet, don’t expect to see that dress in another 76 years.
**Heartfelt thanks to Tony, my beloved brother the graphic designer, who helped make my Photoshop dreams a reality.**