What the . . . Mr. Wizard is a Dick?
*What the…Friday? is a weekly Friday feature in which I resuscitate a video relic from the swampy pits of Pop Culture Wasteland.*
Today: What the Mr. Wizard is a Dick?
Oh, science.
I remember science.
I remember lighting off rockets and looking through microscopes.
I remember growing mold in a petri dish filled with bouillon.
I remember a kid passing out during 9th grade biology class.
He cracked open his chin on a lab table. Right as we cracked open a fetal pig’s skull.
I was more disgusted by Matt’s chin than the pig’s skull. But ultimately I preferred the kind of science that didn’t require me to scoop out innards.
The kind of science on Mr. Wizard’s World.
Back in 6th grade, I liked to hang with Mr. Wizard after school. Gee whiz, it was fun.
He taught me about sound waves. He taught me about ant farms. He never dissected a fetal pig.
And yet he scared me.
Why?
I always sensed that just one wrong answer and he’d start hitting me.
Just look at him. He could go off at any moment.
Though I loved the man, I won’t deny it.
Mr. Wizard was kind of a dick.
I always suspected that if the cameras kept rolling by mistake we’d be entertained by outtakes of Mr Wizard ranting about ‘which one of you little punks touched my flask- I’ll kick all your asses?!’
That is AWESOME. I’ll go to sleep tonight dreaming about this, and I’ll wake up happy.
I am laughing so hard at this!!!
OMG- prttynpnk- you are so on the money! HA HA HA
LOL! he’s not exactly the nicest bloke on the planet!
Yeah, he gets pretty snippy about things like numbers that aren’t random and answers that aren’t right.
Angie, once again you have shown me what I missed during my childhood. Mr. Wizard was a turtle, not a mean science guy. Now you have me very confused.
Bill Nye the Science Guy, whom I love, was on PBS when my son was little. He was crazy and fun, but I think your Mr. Wizard probably a better teacher. Learning takes a little smack on the head now and then, don’t you think?
Absolutely. I personally love his approach. I hope one day these videos will slap some sense into my own kids noggins.
You’re not learning if you’re not scared.
Just as long as you aren’t the ones smackin’ the noggins. By the time your kids really need it (the teen years) it will be a death penalty issue.
I grabbed my daughter’s arm so hard once that she said she felt as if I was applying some mild pressure to her skin. It was a sad day in our household.
I never watched that show, but if I knew what a dick he was, I would have for sure! For reasons known only to me, I kept expecting him to utter some of Peter Graves’ dialogue from the movie “Airplane”.
“Have you ever seen a grown man naked Timmy?”
or
“Have you ever been to a Turkish prison Bobby?”
I realize those aren’t likely the exact quotes from the movie, and I apologize to all the people who have every line memorized, but you get the idea.
Maybe those aren’t actually lines from “Airplane” at all, maybe I’m more messed up than I thought…those demons in my head…ohhhh…make them stop!
My husband and I often throw out the line, “Have you ever seen a grown man naked?” at the oddest times, just to crack each other up. Yeah, we’ve seen Airplane a few times in the past.
I LOVE when you say stuff like that and somebody knows just what you’re talking about. My husband calls it the joys of recognition. And don’t call me Shirley.
Insert another quote from Airplane here.
“Cut me some slack, Jack! Chump don’ want no help, chump don’t GET da’ help!”
Nope, never saw that movie! Buwahahahahahahaha
Insert quote from Airplane here too.
Insert quote from Airplane here.
Perhaps I can help; I speak jive. (Angie says jump; I say how high.)
I feel so much power right now. This is not good. I typically like to abuse power.
I don’t see much difference between Mr. Wizard’s World and Airplane. And I would love to see Mr. Wizard’s reaction to a hari krishna.
In his defense, he was clearly a man of science. He’d undoubtedly studied for decades and by rights should have been working on splitting the atom or developing a cough medicine that worked AND tasted good. Instead, he was relegated to trying to teach the unteachable – goofy kids in Banlon shirts who would one day benefit from orthodontia. Was it any wonder he drank himself to sleep each night and was secretly thrilled when the show was finally replaced by Zoobilee Zoo?
Sadly, his comrades in science did not welcome him back with open arms. They turned their backs on him, locking the lab doors and putting construction paper on the safety glass windows so he couldn’t see what they were doing.
Broke and alone, he spent his golden years living off of pitiful residual checks from PBS and touring state fairs, working as a celebrity livestock judge.
So I take it this guy never had any kids of his own? If so, I’d love to see their therapy bill.
He reminds me of my grandfather — ready to blow his top whenever Nonsense and Shenanigans showed their bratty little faces around his living room.
Sometimes I feel like my blog posts are just soft balls that I’m pitching to you to knock out of the park. And then I crumple into a ball of mediocrity and weep.
Now you stop that kind of talk right now, young lady! If your blog posts sucked, no one would read them, including me.
First off, thank you for this, I don’t think I’ve laughed this hard this early in the morning before.
“blow up babies nursing nipple”–say whaaaaat?
My brothers and I loved that show. Ah, the tough love of the ’80s. Nothing like a good combination of teaching mixed with scolding someone in public to the point of humiliation. Kids today have it so easy.
My kids got love and tough love. They were that in between generation from today and yesterday. Wow, that is really obscure!
My kids get just the right dose of love, with just a touch of appropriate berating, topped off with a smidgen of exasperation. My parents taught me well.
I put the “tough” in tough love. If by “tough” you mean, my daughter has spent much of the past two afternoons confined to her bedroom. I do allow her snacks, books and bathroom breaks.
Shhhhh….please don’t tell Social Services.
Hey. Yeah, me again. I had to show Jim this video. Then I thought, since I’m here, I’d let you know that I think the title of this post is the best one I’ve ever seen. When I first saw it in my reader this morning, I spit my coffee all over the screen. Well done, Angie.
Aw, DarDar — thanks for coming back. I think the word “dick” goes a long way in comedy. It’s really quite underused on my blog. (You’re welcome, Mom.)
I have to admit, I did a double take. Don’t feel bad, I’ve used much worse on my blog. My Family blog.
Besides, the word dick is just funny.
It is funny and it’s the name of our 37th U.S. President, for poop’s sake. How can that be bad?
Yeah! And why did I tell you to not feel bad? I know you don’t. I have no idea why I wrote that. I’ve been commenting on blogs for a half hour and my brain
is fried.
37th prez? are you sure?
I personally think the term ‘dink’ needs to make a comeback.
I can’t believe I just wrote that.
What about dickweed? That’s still one of my favorite words of all time.
Ooh. Yeah. See, I was gonna go with dillweed. But dickweed is better. My brothers used that one a lot. Also numbnuts. The companion to dickweed.
I love the word “companion” in that sentence. It took the “funny” right up the stairs to “funny as f—”.
Oh, no. Now I’m definitely in trouble here.
I knew you might appreciate that.
I am laughing so hard right now I am crying.
Will you still be laughing when the FCC shuts down my blog?
Oh well when you put it like that, sure.
This post marathon has prompted me to go to my site settings and change the comment reply setting so I won’t keep seeing these straight lines of text that look like Encyclopedia Brown code.
Or maybe Al Gore? Tony Danza? I’m not really sure who’s in charge here.
Charles. Duh!
What about Byronic Man? He’s definitely in on it somewhere.
I’ll leave you tonight with a song, “Charles in charge…of our days…and our nights….Charles in charge of our wrongs…and our rights…and I see…I want, I want, I want Charles in charge of me!”
This is the way I always want you to sign off from my blog.
yeah. B-man. He’s in on everything. Much too clever for his own good,
that guy.
ok…one more I SWEAR:
“There’s a time for love and a time for livin’…so take a chance and face the wind…. and open road and a road that’s hidden, a brand new life, brand new life, a brand new life around the bend….”
I loved that song. You couldn’t have picked a sitcom theme song I loved more. It’s so…whimsical.
I often sing theme songs. It’s a hobby of mine. My fave is Alice. “early to bed….early to rise….” and Laverne and Shirley of course.
What about the ending of Alice? “Buh, buh, buh, buuuuuuuh.” And it shows her sticking her feet in a pot of hot water. And then immediately later she’s falling onto the floor as her friends fail to catch her.
That’s my favorite part! I have it in my head right now…buh,buh buh buh buuuuuhhhh……I often sing it while doing the dishes. “there’s a new girl in town and she’s feeling GOOD!”
Oh, DarDar. I think you own a piece of my heart.
I think he might’ve tried to say “rubber baby buggy bumpers” and this came out instead.
Ah, so this is the Mr. Wizard I’ve heard people talk about. He’s a jerk, but I kind of like him. He doesn’t tell kids they’re great when they’re not. They should start replaying old episodes on Nickelodeon. Kids everywhere will realize how good they have it with their crap TV shows that tell them how amazing they are.
CC, don’t forget to give each kid a certificate or trophy telling them how good they are. :)
Right?! And not just the winners. The losers have to get prizes, too. We don’t want anyone’s feelings to get hurt. That’s probably considered child abuse to some.
You’re pushing me dangerously close to stepping upon my soap box about ridiculous self-esteem-building attempts. Must not go there. Must not be controversial. Must fight against the urge to go there.
I’m sorry, I know it’s hard to resist. I don’t even think the concept of building self-esteem existed until the ’80′s or something. I guess back in the day people were more concerned with putting food on the table. Ok, time for my daily self-affirmations.
Ugh. Don’t even get me started about this nonsense.
I think I like him more now than ever. Especially now that I’m pushing 40 and suffering from Old Man Syndrome. Dammit, those kids are brats, and I have no patience for them at all, Carly. None. Especially ones who have never peeled a banana. What’s wrong with using those brains in their heads?
“Haven’t you ever peeled a banana before?” Just a hint of simmering rage underneath that comment.
I get the feeling he would’ve smacked me in the mouth had I told him about the time I threw away a half-eaten banana.
Mr. Wizard actually did a show when I was a kid too… he’d been around being a dick for a very long time. But you know, I LOVE to hear an adult tell a kid, “WRONG!”
Most kids are told that they fart perfume.
You mean they don’t?
That last sentence is a very beautiful line.
I agree. It says so much about what I feel in my heart. Why is this sentence not embroidered on pot holders and sold at craft fairs?
Mr. Wizard once told me my farts smelled like sulphuric acid. Please note this was 25 years ago and a lot has changed.
Scientific fact never changes.
Oh, Nancy — well played. Truly. Brilliant.
I was always afraid of Mr. Wizard, like he was going to berate me through the screen. I wanted to watch it because I loved learning and science and gee whiz, but I always changed the channel before the end of the show.
Mr. Wizard was not there to be your friend, he was there to school you, damn it! If you kids had paid better attention the rest of the world wouldn’t be wiping the floor with America, science-wise!
This comment is funny but the bitter truth of your words stings me like a bee.
And speaking of bees, I know nothing about bees since my own science teacher never whipped me with his belt.
I know what you mean. I wanted to please him so badly. He always seemed so disapproving, which made me want to try even harder to earn his praise. This is the way learning succeeds. Wow. Epiphany!
He reminds me of someone and I can’t figure out who… but I like him!
He reminded me of Jack LaLane.
He reminded me a bit of Peter Graves. With maybe a touch of Oscar the Grouch around the eyes.
Hmmm…I know. Who is it? It’s going to bug me now.
Mr. Hand from Ridgemont High?
Ha! Good one!
I remember he was always telling the kids about cool sciencey tricks they could use to trick their friends–clearly aiming to perpetuate the dickery in a new generation!
Ha! Fantastic! I never even thought of that. This new insight might’ve made my whole day.
No trophies just for participation with that guy, and try not to hit the table. :D And I agree, I’m generally more fond of science that doesn’t involve scooping innards, myself.
I bet he’d tell the kids why next time they should try to avoid hitting their chins on the table on the way down. That’s an expensive table, for pete’s sake!
Sage advice, really. He’s not a dick, per se, he’s just excessively pragmatic. ;)
Any moment. He could go off at any moment.
Perhaps a scientific experiment should’ve been conducted to see how long it takes for the old man’s top to blow.
I can see how you reached that conclusion, Angie, but you’re wrong. Yep. You did that analysis all wrong. You know what? Just give me the blog, I’ll do it right.
I’m laughing at this comment — but I can’t really tell if I’m laughing with me or at me.
OMG! You are so right! Or is that correct? I wanna be right….
If you’re questioning yourself, you must’ve learned something. Mr. Wizard would be pleased.
OMG, the kids are going to make cards for their aunt’s birthday tomorrow. I cannot wait to throw down with, “You call that a fold?” — then piss myself laughing while they look at me like I’m a lunatic.
You are my kind of parent. And I have to admit I have strong feelings about the way a homemade card is folded.
I would just like to state, officially and on the record, that however long it took them to splice this whole thing together: It was worth it.
I totally agree. I want to find those people behind it and give them an award for making fabricated YouTube clips not suck for once.
One day we will be treated to the ugly scandal of him being found drunk and naked pooping on Bill Nye’s Prius……
Except Mr. Wizard is dead now — *sniff, sniff* — why did you have to remind me, prttynpnk? Now I feel like I’m mourning him all over again.
I’m seriously nuts about the guy. So I’m not altogether joking here. My eyes are misty.
I love how Mr. Wizard is holding that hammer in that pic with the guy in the green shirt. He’s poised and ready to attack should a wrong answer be uttered. Grumpy Old Man.
Couldn’t agree with you more! But man, how I loved that show! :)
What about Bill Nye The Science Guy? He was more in the 90′s though, I think…
I loved Mr. Wizard and his show. I don’t think I made that clear in my post but I really did love the guy. I wanted so, so badly for him to love me back — but I think he was always disappointed in me instead.
I was too old for Bill Nye but a couple other commenters mentioned him. I heard he was the heppest science cat around.
Oh that’s funny! I don’t remember Mr. Wizard. At all. What was I doing in those days? Oh right. Playing in the dirt.
You’re so right…he’s kind of a dick, based on that video rep. The banana peeling comment was a bit over the top, the ending words missing being “you little brat.” Or maybe he muttered it and I missed it. He cracked me up with the finger-on-the-forehead trick and taunting the girl to stand from sitting (which she can’t do). That’s a great one! I must try that on my kids tomorrow. I need some mommy points. And a good laugh.
No, we prefer a more Howie Mandel approach to learning science. Goofy, funny, laughing, and even the wrong answers elicit some kind of silly enjoyable outcome – yes, even when they’re wrong they learn something. What’s the point of making the kids nervous about giving the wrong answer? Geez.
Sometimes I don’t believe you really exist, Shannon, and are instead just a conglomeration of all the coolest TV sitcom moms in history. You do science experiments at home?! You teach your kids things?!
Oh then like the McNugget-in-the-van, you totally won’t believe this.
Just yesterday, Angie asked her father what fire is and why the different colors (blue on the stove, red and yellow with wood). So he told her — using a chart of the elements, drawings of molecule chains with resultant photons, colored pens for light spectrum, etc. She got to do the “coloring” which, of course, told her the answer. And she totally got it, too (we quizzed her on it later).
This is why having two science-and-math-and-nature-minded parents at home can be a good thing. Of course, I haven’t been able to convince my kids of this…
You are the ultimate nerd mom. I love it!
And your husband definitely has some Mr. Wizard in him. Maybe with just a touch of Bob Ross.
Shannon, you convinced me. I would have loved to have you teaching me science! It is fascinating and I wasted about 25 years being afraid of it! You go girl! And your husband, too!
It’s never too late to learn. And since my science is now a bit rusty, maybe Shannon will teach me too?
Actually I get paid to learn about science. I just don’t get to blow up stuff.
I didn’t know I could eat if I found a Do Not Eat packet in my pills. Is that science? I learned that from you, Elyse. Thank you, professor.
You’re welcome, Angie my girl. Use that knowledge wisely.
What a shame, Elyse.
It is sad but profitable.
And blowing up stuff isn’t?
It would be if the blow-er didn’t have to pay for the clean-er.
Fair enough.
I thought this would go on through the second bottle, Angie. I am so disappointing.
Ha! The second cork was popped long ago. I’m beating you.
Angie, I have always wanted to spend an evening with you, I just thought it would be in person…
Hey, whenever you want to come visit a redder state than yours, just let me know.
As long as it’s not a dumber state. VA rocks!
No comment.
Sorry I cut off our chat so abruptly, Angie. My internet went out … so I actually had to sleep!
Sleep is overrated. Although, so is blogging.
I thought this would go on through the second bottle, Angie. I am so disappointing.
Disappointed. Apparently I am well into the third bottle.
Saturday Night Live’s take on Mr. Wizard:
I was trying to embed a video but I don’t think it took. Here is the link if you care enough to click: http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/mister-wizard/1279587/
“It feels like a good headache.” — Oh, wow. Classic! I totally missed this. Thanks for sharing.
Nothing but the best for you, Angie!
The ‘like’ button is so insufficient here. Can I LOVE this post? I watched Mr. Wizard nearly every day after school, but somehow it escaped me that he was such a jerk! This video is like the nostalgic, G-rated version of the Winnebago man. So much love in my heart and soul for this montage! Totally made my day (despite the fact that it took me WEEKS to finally read this post!) ;)
I wish I could take credit for putting together that video. When I saw it, I laughed so hard I cried. He was such a dick. Yet I loved him dearly. Somewhere, way up in the clouds, maybe he’s still performing science experiments and yelling at people. I’d like to hope so.
Me too. I still can’t get over the fact that I never clued in to his ornery nature as a child. Looking at that video in particular, it’s pretty obvious. :)