Dynomite! All-Stars Edition
Yesterday, while sitting around feeling as blah as a freezer-burned Totino’s pizza roll, I decided I needed to find something amusing to do — something to break me out of this post-holiday funk.
So naturally I thought, shall I look through old pictures of my Easter bonnets and have a few yuks?
Nah. I don’t really feel like doing the self-loathing thing right now. Because inevitably I will end up at this picture. And then I’ll wonder again why my great-aunt gave my cousin Laurie the adorable Shirley Temple hat and me the grotesque Mr. McFeely number.
And then I’d get depressed again wondering if I should let this hat choice define me.
Certainly, it defined Mr. McFeely.
So then I thought, shall I look through other people’s old pictures and have a few yuks?
And I also thought, whatever happened to my Dynomite! segments?
Yes, it had been forever since I used my blog to exploit people’s past fashion escapades. Does anyone even care anymore? Have we all moved on?
So then I thought, I know! Maybe I should follow in the way of Reality TV and host an All-Stars Edition — you know, to help blow the dust off my tired non-going series.
If you recall, Dynomite! was when each week/month/whenever I felt like it I premiered a photograph from the ’70s, ’80s or ’90s of a person exhibiting their fashion A-Game.
And isn’t this exciting? I happen to have everyone back here again! Yes, all together in one blog post like a great big Dynomite! hug. True, a hug that smells like Kool-Aid-tinged mothballs and, okay, a hug that feels like scratchy polyester but, undeniably, a hug that’s as snugly as the Care Bears crammed in a cloud car.
Alright, let’s look back on our stars who will be vying for one Amazing Grand Prize. Then I will ask you to cast your vote for the contestant most worthy of being called — Dynomite!
First we met Jason.
In describing Jason’s ensemble I stated,
“Perfect for a jog around the arcade to see if Donkey Kong 2 had arrived, suitable for an aerobics workout set to Olivia Newton John, or comfortable for just lounging around the house playing Space Invaders on your TV-set-shaped-like-a-chest-of-drawers. I unfortunately had to detract points since the tube socks are not Regulation Knee-High Length.”
Next we met Lindsay.
In describing Lindsay’s ensemble I stated,
“In all of my life, I’ve never seen an outfit that’s been color-coordinated so beautifully. Black-red-black-red-black-white. Perfect. And the scrunchie brings it all home. I wouldn’t expect anything less from a scrunchie.
Lindsay is correct in thinking that before leading off her dance routine set to Let’s Hear It for the Boy, she needs to first stretch out so as to avoid pulling a hammy in that tricky grand finale: Roger Rabbit-Roger Rabbit-Shopping Cart-Roger Rabbit-Shopping Cart-Cabbage Patch-Centipede. [Spotlight dims.] Jazz Hands.”
Then we met Marla.
In discussing Marla’s ensemble I stated,
“When I saw this photo, I immediately asked Marla whether she might’ve grown up in a 19th century German clock. In fact, she did not. Then I asked if she was wearing a Christmas tree skirt. In fact, she wasn’t sure.
When I was able to move past the striped tights and clogs, I heard myself utter an involuntary squeal of delight as I spotted her clear plastic tote bag. These bags were commonplace in my childhood home. I believe we used them for transporting bowling shoes and skates. And, at least once, pink corduroy pee-pants.”
And last, but certainly not least, we met Jimmy.
Regarding Jimmy’s ensemble I stated,
“I had to take off style points because polyester by no means has the stretchy give necessary for playing a brisk game of [your guess is as good as mine]. This makes me miss those butterfly collars. Although, they used to be dangerously pointy. If parents didn’t already say it then, they should’ve said, Don’t run with scissors — and for God’s sake don’t run while you’re wearing that shirt.”
Please cast your vote now!
Polling will close Sunday the 15th at 7:00 A.M. Next week I will reveal the winner and the Amazing Grand Prize that our lucky Dynomite! contestant will get to enjoy! Yes, you heard right — I said “amazing” and “grand” and “prize”!
Disclaimer: But please note I did not say “enjoy”. Oh, wait, I did? My bad.