Shaun Cassidy’s undies? Look no further.
Remember those precocious little snaggle-toothed Flinstonian rodents who live in WordPress, the ones who run around on their hamster wheels in order to produce bloggers’ site view reports?
Yeah, those little guys have shown me a lot of underwear these past few months. A lot. That’s how a gaggle of web surfers find my blog every single day. By Googling “underwear.” Isn’t that great?
Unfortunately, the underwear enthusiasts are not thinking it’s too great. Because they end up here. And they get nuthin’.
Not even Kirk Cameron shirtless.
The thing is, it just so happens that I wrote a post once on my top ten imaginary boyfriends (see here). And shortly thereafter, I wrote about my age-old theory that Underoos weren’t really underwear at all but magically-transforming superhero gear (see here). Well, these two posts have morphed together in cyberspace, producing some very naughty little search engine nuggets.
But it’s just super that these people are finding my blog! Despite that I have nothing to offer them in the way of heartthrobs in underwear, at least they’re finding me — albeit for 2.023 seconds.
I really feel I owe these folks who are by far my most loyal 2-second lurkers something in the way of gratitude for their time spent here. Unfortunately, this is the best I could come up with.
Pssst. This gray box represents my whispered aside. Don’t you miss the sitcom formulas of yesteryear? I always loved it when the shows’ writers would from time to time stall out in their creativity and throw together the epic Flashback Episode to highlight clips from past seasons. Wasn’t that brilliant? And I loved the way they’d effortlessly springboard into it. Usually, this would be through a near tragedy or someone potentially moving away or someone getting locked in a basement with old photo albums. All perfect segues for sitcom characters to reflect on their past lives.
I know I’m micromanaging here, but could we just pretend now that you’re about to get a tonsillectomy (Jennifer, Family Ties)? Or that you’re deciding to sell your Florida home that we lovingly shared for six years (Blanche, The Golden Girls)? It just seems appropriate right now as we look back on a few of my past posts.
Now, you might have heard, there are these adorable little things you learn about in Blogging 101 called “tags.” As I’m sure you’re well aware, creating tags (or, as I call them, “taggies,” because they’re practically family to me now) for each of your blog posts allows you to intentionally create appropriate search terms for your blog. And it allows intentional blog readers to find you. (Please see listing at the top of this post for examples.)
When I set up my blog, my husband said I didn’t need those.
Nope. He thought I’d be just fine relying on readership through 1.) my parents, 2.) my friends who are bored at work, 3.) childhood friends who are scared that their previous mishaps will end up here, 4.) a stoned guy I saw at a store buying a Frankie Says Relax shirt, and 5.) random Google searches.
Well, my husband was right! Because – and I know I’m obnoxiously bragging here, forgive me – despite not using “taggies” until a week ago, I have nonetheless established quite a large blog following. Yes, among Aspergum lovers.
This was due to my brief mention of chewing Aspergum when I was home sick as a kid (see here).
Well, things have really taken off for me since that post. I’ve sort of become the unofficial spokesperson of the Aspergum Preservation Society. I am now receiving the monthly newsletter, and we’re meeting up for a retreat next week in Boise to help organize our FDA lobbying efforts in regards to the rerelease of Aspergum, along with Oxycontin Pez dispensers and Gas-X taffy. It’s gonna be a great little powwow!
Mass numbers of fans of The Family Circus comics have also found my blog, thanks to my past post on The Family Circus — which I call my love letter to Bil Keane (see here). I’m not quite sure what the deal is but these fans seem to 1.) hate my guts and 2.) wish to push me into the way of an oncoming school bus driven by Billy who has gone off his route yet again (because Bil Keane is on vacation yet again), whereby they will all in unison exclaim “Not Me.”
I’m probably working against myself by suggesting this, but I think the Family Circusians should consider joining forces with the Penny, Peggy and Patty Pumpkin Patch Kid fans. I know I upset them too when I so boldly inferred that they were shoddily-made imitations of Cabbage Patch Kids (see here). And then, when the Penny Pumpkinites discovered my blog wasn’t a For Sale posting on Craigslist as hoped, they became even more upset to be reminded by yours truly that they never measured up to Cabbage Patch Kids.
Okay, let’s make nice here, Pumpkinites. You belong right here with Your People, those who will not taunt you and will love you despite your inferior toy collections.
So what have I learned through the rodents’ past months of site view reports?
1.) People love underwear, preferably on Shaun Cassidy.
2.) Tags may come in handy if you want legitimate blog readers.
3.) Family Circusians are more apt to be do-nothing retirees or bad employees who spend much of the 8:00 to 5:00 workday surfing the web (you probably knew that).
4.) My husband doesn’t know much about blogs.
5.) Someone needs to find out what happened to Aspergum.